The ceaselessness of suffering: why do we always choose the one who is not?

During therapy sessions, they often sit across from me and say:

"I know what I did was wrong. I know I should have reacted differently. I know I made the wrong decision."

Today I have also come to the answer that they don't know, they are just interpreting something of what they have understood on their journey of self-discovery. Why did I formulate this answer?

Because when the moment of consciousness comes, they can no longer apply the realization they have understood, because it has not become part of consciousness. There is a lack of deep, inner awareness.

This is the kind of consciousness that yoga, Buddhism, Hinduism is based on.

Many people experience a life situation in their thirties where they are still searching for true, deep human connection, yet they repeatedly find themselves in relationships that don't move them forward, but rather act as a pulling-back force. Or they are stuck in a long-standing relationship that is no longer about mutual development, but merely about coexisting. The desire to start a family becomes increasingly pronounced over time; societal expectations and internal urges alike exacerbate this need, yet something still holds them back from change.

This internal conflict also affects other areas of life: in the routine of everyday life, there is no room for self-realization; a lack of inspiration and disinterest take over in the world of work. Days become an endless spiral of obligations, at the end of which one stands depleted, with stress and despondency taking their place. In this state, there is no presence of consciousness or genuine understanding, only a desire for immediate relief: fast food and superficial series provide temporary satisfaction, only for everything to start again and again the next day. These roots are often found in childhood parental patterns. In those times when emotional needs took a back seat because the struggles of everyday life came to the forefront, the child gradually learns that their own inner world and needs are not given attention. This pattern recurs in adulthood: emotions become secondary in the shadow of practical tasks, expectations, and daily obligations.

The journey is about breaking down our ingrained patterns, shedding the fixed schemas of the mind and freeing ourselves from the emotional attachments that distort our vision.

When we gradually let go of our attachments, the constant inner turmoil that clouds our lives ceases. The mind becomes quieter, inner impurities disappear, and thoughts become clearer. In this state, not only our actions become conscious, but our entire existence is permeated by a deeper insight. It is then that a pure consciousness emerges, which is no longer merely a reaction or a consequence, but the fundamental mood of being.

This is the state where inner peace and understanding naturally unfolds, and every action, thought and feeling is in harmony with ourselves and our environment.

Based on my own journey, I also wondered how profoundly true this is. Many times we fall into the trap of understanding at the level of our intellect what would be the right or wrong thing to do, but without a real inner awareness this understanding cannot permeate our behaviour.

When someone realizes they “did not act well,” they often only reach the level of interpretation, not the deeper level of consciousness where the new realization could be integrated and shape future reactions. What we are unable to break down due to our schemas and patterns.

From inner dissatisfaction, from an underestimated self-image, doubts are born in man. A common theme is loneliness and the lack of a desired soul mate.

The pattern in mate selection is repetitive: usually narcissistic, bipolar individuals are put first and allowed to manipulate themselves over a long period of time.

Why? Because this is what's exciting, this is what causes suffering, the depths and the heights within us. And in between, constancy. It completely contradicts living a pure, simple life.

Why? Because there's an eternal rule: Because "the one who is not there is always needed."

People often follow relationship patterns that stem from beliefs about themselves and repressed emotional needs. If someone's self-image is undervalued and they struggle with internal insecurities, they often, unconsciously, attract partners who reinforce these feelings. Repeated choices are not about happiness, but a kind of habitual suffering in which the soul may find safety, knowing the pattern of pain and disappointment.

Known pain comes with less uncertainty than unknown security. Solitude and pain become exciting because these relationships involve intense emotional fluctuations, depths and heights. These emotional swings give intensity to their lives and often substitute for the inner wholeness they have not yet discovered within themselves. In fact, dependence on the other person, attachment and drama are meant to fill this void.

Of course, there's always the perspective, the one who isn't exciting, doesn't cause depths or heights, but offers a sure, supportive, loving hand. In reality, he is the one who would replace the concept of a soulmate. But he's already frightening.

Why? Because they haven't experienced what it's like when someone loves unconditionally without emotional manipulation.

People confuse the notion of love, of love. They imagine something that is conditional, and they don't realize that true connection is unconditional even at this level. It can only and exclusively work that way.

Self-awareness and mindfulness are not about being perfect or making flawless decisions, but about turning our attention to our own lives and choices with increasing awareness in every moment. In all areas of life, be it nutrition, work, relationships, or our relationship with ourselves, the small but consistent steps of mindfulness lead one towards true completeness. When our inner world is more balanced, when we learn to appreciate silence and are able to live in simplicity, we no longer look to others to fill our gaps. It is this inner wholeness that allows our lives to be driven not by feelings of lack and attachment, but by pure, self-identical presence.

Are you lonely? Want to find your soulmate?

Then realize that never two halves become a whole, but two wholes become a pure, unconditional, pure connection that completes the whole. The connection of two complete people can truly create purity, one where there is no need for conditions, no expectations, only mutual acceptance. Such a relationship works not because it fills in the “missing part” of the other, but because two whole people can grow and develop side by side.

This kind of non-attached, conscious existence shows its value in every moment of life. If we are able to fully form ourselves, then everything we do will also be reflected in our relationships, and we will get closer to a truly free, unconditional life.

Achieving inner completeness stems not merely from intellectual understanding, but from a deeper consciousness that permeates our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This path is none other than the fulfillment of our relationship with ourselves, and this relationship creates everything we truly need.

Hari Om Reni